5 Things Grieving People Want You to Know at Christmas
By Jessica Stafford
Grief is always hard, but it seems to get an extra dose of difficulty during the Christmas season. There are so many memories, family traditions, holiday parties, extra social responsibilities, and the ever-present Christmas “joy” we “should” be feeling that can feel elusive to those of us deep in grief.
It can be just as difficult to be a close friend or family member to someone who has suffered a deep loss. You may not know how to navigate the holidays with them. You may feel awkward when you’re around them, not knowing what to say or how to make things “better.” So, from someone who has lost a loved one this year and is looking at the Christmas season with just a little bit of dread, here are the five things I want you to know.
1 - I want to talk about my loved one.
I know you sometimes don’t want to bring it up because you don’t want to make me feel sad or “ruin” a moment, but you may not understand that people who have lost someone dear to them are literally thinking about them all the time. The grief is ever-present. We don’t ever forget about it. I want you to share stories and memories. I want you to ask questions about what I remember, or what some of our favorite Christmas traditions were. Which leads nicely into the next one...
2 - It’s okay if I cry.
Tears are just pretty much a part of my everyday life now, and that’s saying something coming from someone who previously was definitely not on the emotion-sharing train. I’ve finally accepted that it’s okay if I cry, that it’s part of my processing and healing journey. It’s even okay if I cry in PUBLIC and I need you to be okay with it too. Don’t panic if I start crying while answering an innocuous question from you, or while you’re telling a story. You haven’t done anything wrong. You allowing me to shed those tears, and staying in the moment with me, is powerful.
3 - I still want to be included.
You might feel awkward inviting someone who is grieving to something silly like an ugly Christmas sweater party (on Zoom…?), but please don’t say my ‘no’ for me. I still want to be included, even in goofy things like gingerbread house building contests. However, if I do decline the invitation or change my answer at the last minute, don’t be offended. It’s nothing personal. Some days are harder than others and I often don’t know what the day will be like until I wake up. I still appreciate the invitation, even if I don’t come.
4 - I want to know you haven’t forgotten.
Even if you didn’t know my loved one, it means a lot when friends and family acknowledge the grief and reach out. My life has been rocked and the whole world feels unsteady. Some days it’s exhausting feeling like I need to be back to normal. A simple text letting me know it’s okay to not be okay, a quote or encouraging Bible verse that you read, or a Christmas coffee date just to check in, all mean so much.
5 - I need to know it’s okay for Christmas to look different this year.
Especially if you’re family who celebrates Christmas together, I need to know from you that it’s okay for Christmas to be different this year. Grief looks different for everyone, so some people may double down on the Christmas joy and want to carry on all of the traditions in honor of their loved one. That’s great, but it’s also okay if someone else who’s grieving wants Christmas to look totally different, with completely new traditions. Give grace to each other and be willing to compromise.
Grieving is a normal part of life. It’s hard to be the one who is experiencing grief, and the one who is trying to be there for a friend or family member. Hope these five tips can help you lean in to support someone you know who’s grieving this Christmas season. Be sure to check out our digital “Blue Christmas” experience to walk people through talking to God about their grief.
How else have you supported your friends or family members in their grief? We’d love to hear your comments below!
We’d love for you to join us for Christmas this year at Community of Hope: Indoors, Outdoors, & Online. There is something for everybody and we hope to have you be a part of it. Click below to learn more about our plans for the most wonderful time of the year.